Forever in my Heart
April 2, 1986-February 16, 2007
Since losing my youngest son Kyle, I’ve learned that life’s simplest moments often become the most poignant memories. Some of my most treasured recollections are of the time we shared reading. These tender, albeit fleeting, moments defined the unbreakable bond between us. I can still see him gazing up at me, his sweet round face scrubbed clean with innocence. In a voice I now strain to remember, he asks, “tell me a story, mommy.”
When Kyle was a tot, “Winnie the Pooh” was his all-time favorite. For this sad anniversary, here’s a thought from Pooh-creator A. A. Milne: “If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together, put me in your heart; I’ll stay there forever.”
In a world now filled with “what ifs,” I’m so sorry, Kyle, that not every story has a happy ending. My son will always live in my heart, but I’d give anything to see his smile, hug him close and hear his laughter. Forever loved and not forgotten.
Only if i had something better to say: brings tears to my eyes. I hope you would be united with him one day.
Blessings to you, Victoria. Thank you
You are so kind and thoughtful, Harshi! Thank you for your support and sweet message.
Tears that never dry. Ache that never goes. Love and peace to you, Victoria.
So very beautiful! <3
I wish I was there to embrace you.
Very moving post.
A warm hug.
Oh yes… that is the way I am able to process losses …
When my dad died – of course you know, you cry so much for awhile, until you can not cry anymore
And then what helped us was those memories – we remember all the laughter and funny stories or funny little quirks the person had – or the funny way they did things
Was those things that allowed us to heal a little bit … made us smile to remember ❤️
I will need to remember that when my mom passes 💔 it will probably knock me down for a minute even though we see it coming
I try to cherish everyone dear in my life always cause you never know when those moments will become memories – either for me or for them.
And I also believe no one truly dies… because they have touched YOUR life so you carry that on with YOU… and everyone you touch has a little bit of their influence/memories
Makes impact – they continue on through their impacts on others lives
Am blessed for the moments I was given ❤️
I see so much in the profession I work in – so many times I hear the same thing …
If I could only have 5 more minutes
I wish I would have said or did…
I hear those things all the time and I see all the different ways people grieve
Some handle it fine, some are completely a puddle on my floor …
I always always always tell them about impact makes then continue on in you, and to remember those funny memories so that when you think of them you smile – instead of cry
I also always suggest an outlet for the pain – such as writing ✍️ – it can help processing the loss
Life does go forward whether they with us or not – to remember their impact with love – I think is best honor to remember them with ❤️
I would want to be remembered for the smiles I have given and the impacts I have had ❤️
I would never want it to totally destroy someone I love. I would want them comforted by my funny memories and stories many have lol ❤️ so that my life meant smiles not just defined by pain
My time on earth will be just that – memories and impacts
I hope one day when someone remembers me – it brings a smile through the pain.
So yeah I will have to remember all this when my mother passes lol
But better to have loved and lost – then to never have known that love at all ❤️
I still have moments of sadness over the grief, only because the time was too short … but I do remember all the funny moments and it does help you get through – sometimes even I think I get signs ? Like a smell to make me remember, or a song or numbers … makes me think of people I lost – but I smile to think they are with me?
Currently my mom remembers me … she lights up when I walk in the room and then clings to me the entire time I am there – she never lets go of my arm …
But when I walk in – she knows I am someone close to her – but she can’t remember who and will say “oooooohhhh it’s YOU!” Lol
Yes mum it’s me ❤️ I am her first born – so I am closest to her
I can bring up vacations from the 1980’s and we laugh and laugh and it’s like she’s right there
Sometimes I swear for a quick moment she is there with me – but I don’t know really … just for quick seconds once in a blue moon – I think she is there – or maybe I just wanna believe that because I cling to her ?? But I swear she is!!
It’s ok for her to go when she is ready
I will be sad … but it’s ok … I don’t want her suffering … the love she gave me is enough to carry me through my lifetime, just to have known that love ❤️
You are most welcome and I have always admired your strength – think you are an incredible and strong woman!!
Peace, love and strength to you always ❤️
Thank you, Omatra, for taking the time to read my post! Your reflections about your dad are profoundly moving. It reminded me of a quote by Italian poet Cesare Pavese who said, “we do not remember the days; we remember the moments.” In my loss, I’ve also learned that this is true. Moments so simple they are often overlooked or seemingly forgotten until the absence of a loved one brings them to the forefront. Thank you again for your thoughtful comment, kindness, friendship, and reminder that the simplest moments shared with loved ones are often the most cherished and poignant.
Thank you for reaching out to me and for your words of encouragement. Your thoughtfulness is very much appreciated!
What an incredible post ❤️
I am a mother too … and makes me think of my own kids and my love for them… I can’t imagine your pain
I don’t know that I would be strong enough for that
You have incredible strength – my heart is with you
The only comfort I can really offer is …
My mom always used to say that when we die… anyone or any pet we loved would be there to comfort and take to other side
It would comfort me a little, but I knew she was only trying to make me feel better
I always took death REALLY hard
To lose her will be hard – but her words will probably comfort me then too.
I would like to think of her back with my dad and her parents … or anyone who loved her and has passed
The thought is comforting even if is just a thought
Sometimes little things catch my attention that remind me of my dad – or for a quick second I smell his scent … he always used to brush his teeth – use scope… used aqua velva after shave lol
But sometimes I can think I also sense him? Or have little signs from him ?
Probably just cause miss so much ?
But yeah loss is hard 💔
I admire your strength ❤️
I have been thinking of you lately – past few weeks … before you liked my post
Just been on my mind for some reason ?? I hope you are well and doing ok 🙂✌️❤️
Thank you, Peace, for your beautiful and thought-provoking comment. I’m so sorry to hear of the passing of your son Zack. I have learned, as you have, that when we are at our lowest points, family, friends, and even strangers reveal their innermost selves. I discovered that support, compassion, and empathy came from some unexpected people. Many who I had never met in life; their goodness, kindness, and abundant caring brought light into the darkest of times. Whenever I’m feeling a little down, I remember this. I remember them, and that goodness prevails in the end. I send you healing hugs and many warm wishes. I am very much looking forward to hearing more about Zack!
So many wonderful words from so many people. Your own words, a poignant reminder to all parents to count our blessings that we have not yet lost a child. A reminder that every day is a blessing and a reminder to reach out each day and tell our children we love them dearly, because we know not what tomorrow will bring or take away. Love and blessings. My heart bleeds for you. ❤️
Thank you Victoria! Believe me when I tell you everything you’ve said here now and previously totally registers in my own psyche and heart! I’m sure there wasn’t just some whimsical thinking going on when the first person to coin the phrase of “don’t try to get between a mama bear and her cubs” shared that truth with others! I witnessed firsthand the dirty deeds of the arrogant and vengeful in this world!
Proverbs 17:11-13 “An evil man seeks only rebellion; a cruel messenger will be sent against him. 12It is better to meet a bear robbed of her cubs than a fool in his folly. 13If anyone returns evil for good, evil will never leave his house.”
And so most poignantly and more importantly not only did I identify with your depiction of the quality time you spent with Kyle as a very young boy when I reflected on how my own mother provided that same deep love to me, not only though those early years of my boyhood but also as an adult in times of extreme difficulty that came my way, mother was always there to be supportive and helpful beyond measure! Not only with moral support but as a powerful advocate for her son like no other; just as you’ve been for your beloved son Kyle, which is so inspiring to me, as I’m sure it is to many others out there going through their own personal trials!
And what you said about the maternal love being the strongest force in the Universe, I certainly agree, because I see as you or anyone paying attention can, how many marriages and relationships somehow find their own expiration date and the love goes out the window with the relationship, but, the same cannot be said about “mother and child” bonding; that deepest nurturing love that only a mother can have for her child or in fact any needy child in her charge, because as I’ve already said, mothers and women of that mindset are so blessed and special!
And yes that visceral “living in the moment” as you said, sharing all with each other that each has in their genuine heart and soul, “is really living” and what our journey here is all about, I’m sure of it!
And you most certainly did inspire while building that bond with your son Kyle which you’ve actually carried forward with the “power of love,” “a mother’s love,” which it proves itself to actually transcend time and space as that love still grows and has its purpose both here in this world and beyond where Kyle can more definitively appreciate it than we are able to presently! I’m sure God planned it all; so that love, that deep genuine intrinsic love, is never wasted and will come to its complete fruition when it should; overcoming all barriers and even death!
Here I want to quote a portion of something I had to say to you previously that is always quite clear in my mind.
“Things had been going smooth sailing all along prior to me being a target! So bottom-line is I thank God I went through all of it because it’s a learning curve and process that I was “meant to experience” as I’m “living for God” which hopefully results in my betterment and thus salvation, because nobody is truly worthy “but for the grace of God” and I do believe like my mom always said, “there is always room for improvement!”
You’ve touched my heart also with your genuine grace, love and beauty of soul; which is obviously “full of compassion and caring,” for which I thank you also! We do both indeed appreciate and cherish it and “always will!”
Blessings to you and yours. Amen.
Blessings to you also, Lawrence! Your writing is articulate, expressive, and powerful. I, too, have often said that a mother’s love is the strongest force in the Universe. Without maternal love, life as we know it would not exist. For me, reading to my child was being in the moment while holding them close and sharing stories, thoughts, and feelings. It is a pure and sweet way of bonding and inspiring them to love books and reading. Once again, many thanks for your gift of compassion and caring. It is truly appreciated and cherished.
Thanks for sharing these memories ❤️
What beautiful photographs of Kyle and how lovely to watch him grow into a clearly sweet and thoughtful person.
Heart to you, Victoria, as always.
From one mum to another mom – no parent should lose their children. It’s not biological. Memories still don’t fill the gap between wanting to hold your child. Until you walk in those shoes, you never will. Those friends who cross the street on the other side, forgive them 😔 My life changed. People commented, “what’s wrong? You are different.” 😔 yes, I was. Then something transpired. I saw a glow in a window of an old building. I walked through the doors and sat in the back, listening to the stories of the suffering of New life. They were me! The following week I sat 💺 in the back of the hall. This went on for a month or so. Some already knew me. This time it was going to be my turn. They were the day I started living for others, more importantly for my child. Zack’s like must not be in vain. I will share more Shalom 😔
You’ve shown so much pluck and courage in your posts, Victoria. I’m sure you’ve encouraged many., many others to do the same. A fitting tribute to Kyle.
I am sorry for your loss though I believe that those we love never really die. It is just the continuity of their bodily presence that lacks in our lives. That lack may seem crushing but we must see beyond so they may live within us.
a yearly reminder no mother should have to live through. my deepest condolences. may you have the endurance to eventually right this wrong and grace to experience the remainder of life once you’ve done it. your reunion with kyle will be so happy.
Victoria, your posting struck a chord immediately even though I read your previous postings about your son Kyle and “his story” and had been quite moved, the timing of your current message and the realization of how “crucial and powerful a mother’s love” for her child actually is! Without that love this world wouldn’t be nearly as tolerable, because love is the key to really living with meaning or purpose; and it all “starts with the mother!” Who of course carries her child in those earliest formative months; but then, also “her love and drive to nurture while strengthening that child, is critically important for so many years to come!
And amazingly it carries forward even in this so difficult circumstance when a child leaves this world before his parents as evidenced by your “love and dedication” expressed here in your writings through your unceasing commitment to your son Kyle, which I’m sure he appreciates more fully being beyond the hardship of this world that we all face in earthly life day to day! And this you have evidenced now by not only “telling Kyle a story” as you always did during his childhood years when you both were together; but now in spirit you are writing and telling him a very important true story; “his story,” which is full of love!
And I must thank you for doing all of this, especially stirring in me what “a mother’s love” is really all about and causing me to reflect on my own mother’s love for me over the years, but, especially as I remember those “simple innocent days” in my own past when I was a little boy, when my mother took such good care of me, and even told me some stories too!
Both you Victoria and your son Kyle have given us out here in the big world something very valuable and precious! Thank you very much!
God’s blessings to you.
Lawrence, thank you for taking the time to read my post and for your eloquent response. Yours is one of the most poignant and heartfelt messages I have received. A true gift that is much appreciated.
Life is like that with mixing of sorrow and happiness!
I can’t imagine a greater pain. I am sincerely sorry for your loss. You are strong to share. Reading memories are the sweetest. 💞
Deeply touching and straight to the heart! But also a great testimony and powerful expression of love from you to your son Kyle!
This line, “tell me a story, mommy,” bought a tear to my eyes and touches the soul; such beauty and innocence coming from the love between a mother and her precious baby boy!
“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together, put me in your heart; I’ll stay there forever.” A. A. Milne had the right idea, and like I say that bond between a mother and her child can never be broken!
I’ve written and often said that women are so blessed and have that special miraculous ability to carry and bear another human being, and that during the pregnancy two humans are joined together in that special way so completely, sharing everything they are both physically and spiritually which creates a bond between them that can “Never” be broken!
You are so right; “I’m so sorry, Kyle, that not every story has a happy ending.”
But that is here in this temporary short life and the real prize or reward is waiting for each of us beyond this passage, perhaps like the saying “somewhere over the rainbow,” but more accurately “in the eternal realm where God puts things right” and there is no suffering or sadness anymore, only beauty and happiness beyond our limited corporeal imaginations or limitations!
God bless you, Kyle and your entire family! I believe this personal sacrifice by Kyle and you along with others is not the least bit in vain, because it has added exponential graces to those still here living without him by their sides and for those who his story has touched; and only for now he is in your aching hearts this way; but you will be in “full presence” someday again, altogether as the family God intended since before any of this world was here! “God is the Alpha and the Omega!”
Beautiful post, beautiful photos. Thank you for sharing this with the rest of us.
Yes, the good memories shine through the darkness — and in that sense your son is still alive.
Thank you for your kind thoughts Picpholio!
My respect for your openness and for sharing these deepest feelings that you have expressed very nicely.
Swabby, you are always so thoughtful and considerate. I genuinely appreciate your support and kindness. Thank you for being you!
A.A. Milne’s poignant words encapsulate pure love.